The page you are looking
for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical
difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings, but most
likely you're a complete dipshit. You tell your friends you've been online
since '94, but Mr. "I've been on the net for 20 years" seems to call me a lot
with stupid questions and asking shit like what settings you need to put in
your Outlook Express to get your e mail, or "How do I send something to my
printer"? My favorite moments from you and your friends are when you say
shit like "I'm a quick learner", so you should only have to show me once, it
just makes me wanna snap your neck like a twig. Try to keep in mind that I'm
not your personal Microsoft hotline, and when I go to your place to hang out,
please don't ask me if I could "Just take a look at something". If you were
such a quick learner then you would have figured it out by now. The next
time you tell me you pride yourself on how much you've learned about
computers over the years, just know that I'm thinking "Bullshit" over and
over in my mind ya prick. |
Please try the following you complete idiot:
- Click the
Refresh button, but don't call me, I'm sick of helping your ass when
you don't get it. I'm not the fucking "best friend help desk".
- If you typed the page address in the Address
bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Knowing you, it's spelled
wrong. In fact I
guarantee
it's wrong. I've seen you misspell the word "the".
- To check your connection settings, jiggle the
cable. Stick a fork in the ram, or put a Q tip in the fan at the back of
your PC while it's on and get a face full of dust. I bet you did that
already though didn't you? And you just don't want to admit it. Click the
Tools menu, there should be a picture of you since you ARE a
Tool and then click Internet Options, now enter your visa or
MasterCard information in your digital signature, don't forget your expiry
date, and send me an e mail. Thanks pal, I'll get an extra DVD for you
from amazon.com with your credit card. On the Connections tab,
click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your
local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet Service Provider (ISP).
Chances are you're using AOL anyway.. and they can't get their head out of
their ass, but they can say hi to you since your head is planted firmly in
the same ass. I bet you didn't even know that AOL stands for "Another
Online Loser"
- If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft
Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network
connection settings. Hell Microsoft can examine everything you do, they
can even SEE you right now sitting there with your pen in your ear or
smelling your finger. Microsoft is at this very moment secretly connected
to your computer and downloading all the information you have stored in it
and watching you like a fat kid watches a friend eat a chocolate bar. Big
brother? I think Bill Gates would have given even George Orwell
nightmares.
If you would like Windows to use your identity to apply for a blockbuster
card so they can keep a copy of Hackers for 3 weeks, then click
Detect Nitwit Settings. You know all those mp3's and that porn that
you cleverly hid in your windows directory to fool your husband, wife,
boss, or even your parents? Not only do they see it, they are making
copies of it for personal use. Remember that firewall isn't going to
protect you, THEY fucking made it.
- Some sites require 128-bit connection security.
But that's all a really really bad joke being played on you. The word
"security" and "internet" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Right now
your visa number is on about... 2,500 different websites. Not to mention
your private e-mail is being handed out to more porn spammers than the
number of times AOL tried to give you ONE MONTH FREE on a CD in the back
of your favorite magazine.
- If you are trying to reach a secure site, make
sure your Security settings can support it. A reminder for those of you
who have your feet up and a grin on your face as you read this, if you're
looking at porn, and I know you are, your wife pretends she doesn't know
shit, but she checks the history and the temporary internet folders while
you're in the bathroom reading your magazine for 26 minutes. She knows
what you're doing. Don't even feel confident she doesn't. Wanna know why
she doesn't mention it? Because now she is justified in having that affair
on icq with some guy name Raul. But here is the funny part Mr. Wizard, SHE
knows how to delete her logs and history and pretends she doesn't know how
"this internet thing works but wants to learn". You're on the way to the
couch after you "turn on the computer for your baby" while she just wants
to surf the Martha Stewart website, but the second you leave the room,
she's checking her 15 hotmail accounts for
"RE: Your Hot Picture".
You are not even HALF as smart as you think you are pal. Once again, a
reminder to click the Tools menu, I swear, there will be a picture
of you in there somewhere, and then click Internet Options, seeing
how yours are limited since you just now realized that not only is your
wife cheating on you, but some 15 year old kid in Miami just bought the
entire Eminem music library on CD and DVD and charged it to your credit
card.
I would like to add ladies, if you think that was funny,
wait until you find out how many times your boyfriend/husband has
pretended to be a lesbian so he could talk to other lesbians on mIRC when
you went to bed early. Chances are the other "Lesbian" was some middle
aged guy named Norman who lives in a trailer in Salt Lake City. Not only
is he balding and wearing a T shirt that says "Hard Rock Cafe Vegas" but
the only other thing he's wearing besides a shit eating grin is a pair
of underwear that's older than a 1977 penny. Also ladies, take a
good look at the mouse your holding right now, you might want to get a
wet cloth and some anti bacterial soap. Is it any wonder why the mouse
buttons are sticking? Wheee isn't this fun?
Learning about your mate? I just can't get enough.
Click the
Back button to try another life, cause you obviously just can't seem
to get the hang of this one.
Click
Search to look for information on the Internet instead of asking me
stupid questions that I'm not going to answer for you. If you can't find
it just give me your credit card number and I'll find it for you..
Oh ya, one last thing, when you decide to get rid of AOL and get a real
ISP, I might be willing to help your lame sorry ass, but don't count on
it.
I hope this has been of help to you because god knows that you are pretty
much helpless on your own. |